Post by Lisa Frankenstein on Apr 25, 2018 22:56:39 GMT
(We arrive for another NJFC Press conference and are immediately weighleighed as Lisa Seldon takes her seat upon the stage and obnoxiously props her legs up on the desk. She then motions for someone to bring her a microphone, having no intention of sitting forward and doing this properly).
Lisa Seldon: Ladies and gentlemen, you'll forgive me if I seem out of sorts, we've had a very busy week crushing skulls all over Japan, taking back our rightful contendership to the CWC Japan Tag Titles and securing our spot in the Kamikaze Pro Wrestling Trios Tournament final. Tonight we're off to smash the Dogs of War, then we have to get back her to win a ladder match, do something wild for Rose City and then head off to Australia to massacre whatever is left of that cheeky fucker Mark Storm. So if it comes across like I don't want to be here, it's because it's true and I'm not a good liar. Anyway first question.
(During this time Anna Mathews took the stage, however any indication that she might step in to carry the conversation seemed quite unlikely when she took her seat in silence, while also wearing a large hat and deep black sunglasses, generally looking like she was attending the funeral of a mafia don).
Writer for a fairly bog standard wrestling magazine: On your current of Japan you've already wrestled five matches with another tonight. If you are to win the NJFC tag titles you'll need to win two more in the same. Are either of you worried about fatigue heading into this event?
(Lisa snorts).
Lisa Seldon: Fuck no. I love it. Love wrestling, love ridiculous matches, but mostly I love winning things and that's what drives us on. You can go ahead and break both my arms, when I'm holding them up in victory I won't feel a thing.
Snarky-marky dirt sheets: You came to NGW with the intention of fighting Aoki Zombie, but he doesn't actually work, you fight him everywhere anyway and he's got a 100% record against you. Why are you like that?
Lisa Seldon: First of all we had two matches and he lost one of those two. Secondly I'm going to go drown him out at sea so it doesn't even matter if he works here and thirdly you can go fuck yourself.
Some guy who probably writes fan fiction: What is the relationship between you and the Ana Hayden.
Lisa Seldon: Well one time I tried to sue her for stealing my Twitter name and she got around that by making me her wife. I don't know how, she's a very quick talker. Beyond that I've met her like one time and she tried to kick the shit out of me. It was yesterday.
A journalist actually here to do his job: Promotional videos from your opponents have started to roll in. What do you think about what the Small Boob Wrecking Crew had to say about you two.
Lisa Seldon: Personally I didn't think much of it because they didn't have much to say. A fairly tedious trip down memory lane, followed by a quick wrap up that seemed to indicate their entire preparation cycle was them googling us and just picking like two facts at random. And that's fine, I get it, I don't even know who one of them is and I have to keep getting Anna here to tell me; but if you're going to be indifferent at least at least try and not be dull about.
A website that probably has three readers: Why do you hate Craig Anderson so much?
Lisa Seldon: I don't. I just find it confusing he ever wins anything because when you talk to him he sounds like a fucking goon.
Thought taking this job might lead to something better but it never did and now they're sad: Why isn’t Anna Mathews saying anything? Is she unwell.
(Anna and Lisa share a look).
Lisa Seldon: Sure buddy, she's got space leprosy or whatever. Next question.
Woman trying very hard to be taken seriously by a bunch of shitty losers on message boards: In the span of a few days you're going to wrestle potentially three separate matches against members of the Dogs of War. What is your opinion on the infamous super stable?
Lisa Seldon: Honestly, I think they're a very good collection of wrestlers who have put their careers in the hands of a greedy little man who will drop every single one of them the second they stop selling t-shirts. Hearst needs to go get over himself. Shimada is cool though.
(Anna nods in agreement).
Guy who basically exploits a news site to fund his trips to Japan: Are there any teams in this match you do care about.
Lisa Seldon: Sure. The angry guy who's name I can't spell’s team and the one with the guy who I think is pretending he has down syndrome.
Writer for magazine on its last legs because print media is dead: Do you believe one of your potential opponents is actually a giant robot?
Lisa Seldon: Sure. Fuck it, why not. Robots, dragons, space wizards, all of it. In certain companies in Mexico you can just straight up fight a bear. The bear is called Chicago. Wrestling is stupid and we should all just get on board with it.
Person who took this job because he wanted to write about football but got pushed onto wrestling and is very professional but hates everything about it: If you do make it to the final, you'll be competing in a ladder match. Is that a situation you'd feel comfortable in?
Lisa Seldon: Of course. I've won my fair share of those, so has Anna. She even did that stupid thing with the big X above the ring you had to climb around on. We’re well versed in climbing, falling from and generally injuring people with ladders. So yeah, fuck it, you put some belts up there and we’ll happily go get them.
Dude taking his job to seriously: On your NJFC profile, it indicates you debuted back in 2003, but we're supposed to believe you're in your mid twenties. So when you debuted, were you 10 years old?
(Lisa narrows her eyes).
Lisa Seldon: This interview is now over.
(With that she dumps her microphone on the floor and marches out while it wails away horrendously. When the sound does eventually clear we found ourselves alone with Anna Mathews, who leans to the nearest mic).
Anna Mathews: Thank you for your time and good luck to everyone involved.
(She herself then joins Lisa in departing the stage).
Lisa Seldon: Ladies and gentlemen, you'll forgive me if I seem out of sorts, we've had a very busy week crushing skulls all over Japan, taking back our rightful contendership to the CWC Japan Tag Titles and securing our spot in the Kamikaze Pro Wrestling Trios Tournament final. Tonight we're off to smash the Dogs of War, then we have to get back her to win a ladder match, do something wild for Rose City and then head off to Australia to massacre whatever is left of that cheeky fucker Mark Storm. So if it comes across like I don't want to be here, it's because it's true and I'm not a good liar. Anyway first question.
(During this time Anna Mathews took the stage, however any indication that she might step in to carry the conversation seemed quite unlikely when she took her seat in silence, while also wearing a large hat and deep black sunglasses, generally looking like she was attending the funeral of a mafia don).
Writer for a fairly bog standard wrestling magazine: On your current of Japan you've already wrestled five matches with another tonight. If you are to win the NJFC tag titles you'll need to win two more in the same. Are either of you worried about fatigue heading into this event?
(Lisa snorts).
Lisa Seldon: Fuck no. I love it. Love wrestling, love ridiculous matches, but mostly I love winning things and that's what drives us on. You can go ahead and break both my arms, when I'm holding them up in victory I won't feel a thing.
Snarky-marky dirt sheets: You came to NGW with the intention of fighting Aoki Zombie, but he doesn't actually work, you fight him everywhere anyway and he's got a 100% record against you. Why are you like that?
Lisa Seldon: First of all we had two matches and he lost one of those two. Secondly I'm going to go drown him out at sea so it doesn't even matter if he works here and thirdly you can go fuck yourself.
Some guy who probably writes fan fiction: What is the relationship between you and the Ana Hayden.
Lisa Seldon: Well one time I tried to sue her for stealing my Twitter name and she got around that by making me her wife. I don't know how, she's a very quick talker. Beyond that I've met her like one time and she tried to kick the shit out of me. It was yesterday.
A journalist actually here to do his job: Promotional videos from your opponents have started to roll in. What do you think about what the Small Boob Wrecking Crew had to say about you two.
Lisa Seldon: Personally I didn't think much of it because they didn't have much to say. A fairly tedious trip down memory lane, followed by a quick wrap up that seemed to indicate their entire preparation cycle was them googling us and just picking like two facts at random. And that's fine, I get it, I don't even know who one of them is and I have to keep getting Anna here to tell me; but if you're going to be indifferent at least at least try and not be dull about.
A website that probably has three readers: Why do you hate Craig Anderson so much?
Lisa Seldon: I don't. I just find it confusing he ever wins anything because when you talk to him he sounds like a fucking goon.
Thought taking this job might lead to something better but it never did and now they're sad: Why isn’t Anna Mathews saying anything? Is she unwell.
(Anna and Lisa share a look).
Lisa Seldon: Sure buddy, she's got space leprosy or whatever. Next question.
Woman trying very hard to be taken seriously by a bunch of shitty losers on message boards: In the span of a few days you're going to wrestle potentially three separate matches against members of the Dogs of War. What is your opinion on the infamous super stable?
Lisa Seldon: Honestly, I think they're a very good collection of wrestlers who have put their careers in the hands of a greedy little man who will drop every single one of them the second they stop selling t-shirts. Hearst needs to go get over himself. Shimada is cool though.
(Anna nods in agreement).
Guy who basically exploits a news site to fund his trips to Japan: Are there any teams in this match you do care about.
Lisa Seldon: Sure. The angry guy who's name I can't spell’s team and the one with the guy who I think is pretending he has down syndrome.
Writer for magazine on its last legs because print media is dead: Do you believe one of your potential opponents is actually a giant robot?
Lisa Seldon: Sure. Fuck it, why not. Robots, dragons, space wizards, all of it. In certain companies in Mexico you can just straight up fight a bear. The bear is called Chicago. Wrestling is stupid and we should all just get on board with it.
Person who took this job because he wanted to write about football but got pushed onto wrestling and is very professional but hates everything about it: If you do make it to the final, you'll be competing in a ladder match. Is that a situation you'd feel comfortable in?
Lisa Seldon: Of course. I've won my fair share of those, so has Anna. She even did that stupid thing with the big X above the ring you had to climb around on. We’re well versed in climbing, falling from and generally injuring people with ladders. So yeah, fuck it, you put some belts up there and we’ll happily go get them.
Dude taking his job to seriously: On your NJFC profile, it indicates you debuted back in 2003, but we're supposed to believe you're in your mid twenties. So when you debuted, were you 10 years old?
(Lisa narrows her eyes).
Lisa Seldon: This interview is now over.
(With that she dumps her microphone on the floor and marches out while it wails away horrendously. When the sound does eventually clear we found ourselves alone with Anna Mathews, who leans to the nearest mic).
Anna Mathews: Thank you for your time and good luck to everyone involved.
(She herself then joins Lisa in departing the stage).