Post by tragik on Apr 28, 2016 19:40:57 GMT
Nuggets of Truth!
I am a hardcore specialist. We've already covered that, but you need to know a little bit more. I am the reigning and DEFENDIIIIING Sin Wrestling Ultraviolence Champion. Why does that matter? Because I won the title in August.
Of 20-mother fuckin'-13! That's right, baby: Getting close to 1000 days as champ. That's pretty damn badass, if you ask me. And since this is my promo, my opinion in the only one that matters, ya know? Along with my badassery in S-to-the-Dub, I was also the No F'N Rulz champ over in New Era back in the day. That makes me the only, by God ONLY, man to have held both titles.
Ladies, please keep your undies on until after the show. I know me recounting my awesomeness gets you slopping, slithering wet, but control yourselves, okay? But you know what's also badass about me? Well, besides my overwhelming sexiness? And my multitude of journalism awards?
I'm also a tag team specialist.
I know, I know. You're all like, "But Tragik! How can you possibly share the ring with anyone? Your sex appeal eclipses the sun!"
I know it does. And I know how hard it might be to imagine someone trying to get out of my enormous shadow. But, well, I am such a bright star that even in the shade people can grow. Back in the day, me and Porkins were Too Hardcore For a Short Tag Team Name, and we dominated. Fuckin' dominated the competition. We were a team fueled by stickin' it to the ladies and zero panties stayed dry when we rolled to town. Until Porkins got possessed by the soul of a long-dead berzerker and became WARPORK, but that's another story.
My tag specialist talent is going to be on display in a couple weeks too. With who? Why, my biggest BFF in the whole wide world, D.C. Wiland!
Lets pause for a shout-out to my man, D.C. to the motherfucking WiLAAAAAAAAND!
'Sup, Deezy? Call me, we'll eat some sushi and bang some hoes before we go back State-side.
Most pressing, though, is my latest team. Me and Mike Jamison. Now, at first I thought J-Man was going to be a stick in the mud. He's all "ERMAHGERD TEH HARDCORE SUX" and I'm so patently hardcore that I stick baseball bats up asses and assfuck any female competitors. We were gonna be all Odd Couple and shit, right? Turns out the J-Man is an awesome dude! Seriously, we were hanging out last night, slappin' some bitches, fuckin' some hoes, just getting to know each other, right? And he just WENT TO TOWN on my cadre of gooks. He was hittin' that J-Vag so hard it was like they owed him money!
So it turns out we are Tragikally Natural.
See what I did there? I'm Tragik and he's The Natural. I combined our names.
I'm so fucking brilliant. Fuck, I'm amazing!
Anyway...yeah...this whole tag tournament thing? Eezy peezy. Our first round opponents, Too Lame to Come Up With a Marketable Name, are going to be too busy jerking each other off on their porch to even realize that they are in trouble. I get it, I'm not the tallest guy. Easy to underestimate me. Until they see me drop trow, anyway. I'm like a freakin' tripod! That's even what Mama Ashton calls me: Tragik the Magnificent Tripod.
So, yeah, No One Would Buy Our T-Shirts if Our Tag Name Was Printed On Them is going down faster than a chemo patient's sperm count. I've already discussed how they might as well lay down. Seriously, just lay down when I show up. It might be more fun when the girl fights back, but easier when she doesn't, right?
And after that? After Tragikally Natural fucks up that loser team? Everyone else is going down too. Seriously, we're talking about a tag tournament. I'm a tag specialist. It just makes sense! Oh sure, some teams here have tons of experience. But most of them are like two hastily thrown together duos, like when people think that Batman and Superman actually compliment each other. Guess what, numbnuts: They don't! They have nothing to do with one another. Zero chemistry, zero complimenting styles and skillsets. And whenever Brainiac comes to town, that Super Duo is fucked.
This entire tournament? The Superman/Batman duo.
Tragikally Natural? Fuckin' Brainiac.
We've already won the damned titles, you all just haven't given into the idea yet. Every team here is like the chicken who has had its head lopped off. Running around on nerve endings, blood flying everywhere, too fuckin' stupid to realize that its dead.
This entire tournament? The headless chicken.
Tragikially Natural? The fuckin' axe-wielding farmer.
However, it should be pointed out, that there is one issue. One MINOR issue. First round? Already done with. Second round? Doesn't even matter who faces is us, going down in that proverbial heap. But the final? Looking at the brackets, there is a chance that I may have to stand, face-to-face, with my everlasting BFF.
Deezy.
It is with a heavy heart that I must take you down, D.C. Oh, I know that I fell victim to your exceptional roll-up skills last week in Texas. You are so amazing! I had you hooked up, ready to go up and over with the Tragikplex. It was all said and done. But lo! You snuck in and rolled me up for the victory.
You are amazing, BFF.
But I amazinger.
I will bravely face you in the finals of this tournament. Tragikically Natural will reign supreme.
Even if I must plow through you. Oh, treacherous fate!
I will do what must be done.
See ya around.
I am a hardcore specialist. We've already covered that, but you need to know a little bit more. I am the reigning and DEFENDIIIIING Sin Wrestling Ultraviolence Champion. Why does that matter? Because I won the title in August.
Of 20-mother fuckin'-13! That's right, baby: Getting close to 1000 days as champ. That's pretty damn badass, if you ask me. And since this is my promo, my opinion in the only one that matters, ya know? Along with my badassery in S-to-the-Dub, I was also the No F'N Rulz champ over in New Era back in the day. That makes me the only, by God ONLY, man to have held both titles.
Ladies, please keep your undies on until after the show. I know me recounting my awesomeness gets you slopping, slithering wet, but control yourselves, okay? But you know what's also badass about me? Well, besides my overwhelming sexiness? And my multitude of journalism awards?
I'm also a tag team specialist.
I know, I know. You're all like, "But Tragik! How can you possibly share the ring with anyone? Your sex appeal eclipses the sun!"
I know it does. And I know how hard it might be to imagine someone trying to get out of my enormous shadow. But, well, I am such a bright star that even in the shade people can grow. Back in the day, me and Porkins were Too Hardcore For a Short Tag Team Name, and we dominated. Fuckin' dominated the competition. We were a team fueled by stickin' it to the ladies and zero panties stayed dry when we rolled to town. Until Porkins got possessed by the soul of a long-dead berzerker and became WARPORK, but that's another story.
My tag specialist talent is going to be on display in a couple weeks too. With who? Why, my biggest BFF in the whole wide world, D.C. Wiland!
Lets pause for a shout-out to my man, D.C. to the motherfucking WiLAAAAAAAAND!
'Sup, Deezy? Call me, we'll eat some sushi and bang some hoes before we go back State-side.
Most pressing, though, is my latest team. Me and Mike Jamison. Now, at first I thought J-Man was going to be a stick in the mud. He's all "ERMAHGERD TEH HARDCORE SUX" and I'm so patently hardcore that I stick baseball bats up asses and assfuck any female competitors. We were gonna be all Odd Couple and shit, right? Turns out the J-Man is an awesome dude! Seriously, we were hanging out last night, slappin' some bitches, fuckin' some hoes, just getting to know each other, right? And he just WENT TO TOWN on my cadre of gooks. He was hittin' that J-Vag so hard it was like they owed him money!
So it turns out we are Tragikally Natural.
See what I did there? I'm Tragik and he's The Natural. I combined our names.
I'm so fucking brilliant. Fuck, I'm amazing!
Anyway...yeah...this whole tag tournament thing? Eezy peezy. Our first round opponents, Too Lame to Come Up With a Marketable Name, are going to be too busy jerking each other off on their porch to even realize that they are in trouble. I get it, I'm not the tallest guy. Easy to underestimate me. Until they see me drop trow, anyway. I'm like a freakin' tripod! That's even what Mama Ashton calls me: Tragik the Magnificent Tripod.
So, yeah, No One Would Buy Our T-Shirts if Our Tag Name Was Printed On Them is going down faster than a chemo patient's sperm count. I've already discussed how they might as well lay down. Seriously, just lay down when I show up. It might be more fun when the girl fights back, but easier when she doesn't, right?
And after that? After Tragikally Natural fucks up that loser team? Everyone else is going down too. Seriously, we're talking about a tag tournament. I'm a tag specialist. It just makes sense! Oh sure, some teams here have tons of experience. But most of them are like two hastily thrown together duos, like when people think that Batman and Superman actually compliment each other. Guess what, numbnuts: They don't! They have nothing to do with one another. Zero chemistry, zero complimenting styles and skillsets. And whenever Brainiac comes to town, that Super Duo is fucked.
This entire tournament? The Superman/Batman duo.
Tragikally Natural? Fuckin' Brainiac.
We've already won the damned titles, you all just haven't given into the idea yet. Every team here is like the chicken who has had its head lopped off. Running around on nerve endings, blood flying everywhere, too fuckin' stupid to realize that its dead.
This entire tournament? The headless chicken.
Tragikially Natural? The fuckin' axe-wielding farmer.
However, it should be pointed out, that there is one issue. One MINOR issue. First round? Already done with. Second round? Doesn't even matter who faces is us, going down in that proverbial heap. But the final? Looking at the brackets, there is a chance that I may have to stand, face-to-face, with my everlasting BFF.
Deezy.
It is with a heavy heart that I must take you down, D.C. Oh, I know that I fell victim to your exceptional roll-up skills last week in Texas. You are so amazing! I had you hooked up, ready to go up and over with the Tragikplex. It was all said and done. But lo! You snuck in and rolled me up for the victory.
You are amazing, BFF.
But I amazinger.
I will bravely face you in the finals of this tournament. Tragikically Natural will reign supreme.
Even if I must plow through you. Oh, treacherous fate!
I will do what must be done.
See ya around.
