Post by Anastasia Hayden on Sept 8, 2018 10:31:54 GMT
Jesus Wept.
Darkness.
Brooding darkness.
Mysterious darkness.
Then the camera turns on to observe the beautiful day on Miami Beach. Kids are playing in the background, the sounds of the ocean waves hitting the sand, and every self-conscious man still wearing their t-shirt as they enter the water can be heard...but that's not what we're focused on. Not today. The shot of the beach lasts only for a moment before turning around and it's now evident we're looking through the camera on a phone as the face of Sleazy Ana looks into the lens.
"Is this thing on?"
Of course it is. She takes a second to adjust the framing of the phone before finally settling down and greeting the audience with a slight smile. It's almost unusual of a sight for anyone familiar with Ana, but there's just something about beaches and wrestling that makes everything a little...unique. She's got some cheap sunglasses on and keeps her eyes hidden as she begins to speak.
"Great. Hello, I'm famous professional wrestler and all around great athlete Sleazy Ana, but I don't need an introduction because you already know who I am. You've seen me all around the world. I'm a walking legend. Enter any bar in Japan, they know me. Any pub in England, they know me. Any McDonald's here in the United States of America...and they know me. I am nothing short of greatness personified. When you see a picture of me, you immediately know the name…"
She pauses in silence; perhaps waiting for the ocean breeze to whisper the name "Sleazy Ana". Instead, we get:
"Hey, don't I know you?"
The voice of some unfortunate soul can be heard as the camera manages to pick up the both of them in frame. Sleazy Ana seems immensely proud to have had her call answered.
"Oh, hell yeah you do."
"Yeah...yeah, you're Anastasia Hayden, right?"
And it all pauses. Ana coughs awkwardly and shakes her head, trying to keep up her smile.
"What? No, I'm Sleazy Ana, big wrestling star. Everyone knows me."
"What...no, wait...I thought it was Anastasia Hayden."
Now she's starting to get a bit flustered.
"No. It's Slea-"
"Yeah, you ar-"
Before the man can even finish the last letter of his word, Sleazy Ana palms his face and pushes him out of the way before carrying on. She takes a moment to recollect and picks up her smile once more.
"As I was saying...when you see the picture? You already know the name...Sleazy Ana. And that's why I'm here. I mean, not specifically here on this beach, but why I'm here partaking in Mark Storm's Surgical Summer Tournament. I remember when Mark came up to me and asked if Sleazy Ana wanted to take part in the tournament...I told him no. But then I remembered why I started to wrestle in the first place…"
"You see, there's only three things I love in life. Taking wives, making sleaze, and cashing checks...and wrestling. So there's four things. But when Mark told me how much I was going to get paid to show up...I was offended. But it was the other two of the four...he promised me the beaches, the men and women waiting for me to make them my wife. How could I say no? Sure, I'm only getting paid twenty-five bucks to be here and sure I spent over 200 bucks to fly to Miami and that's not counting my hotel expenses or food, folks I am not making a profit wrestling here...but the prospect of getting to sleaze on these beaches?"
She scoffs at the idea of doing anything else.
"Only a fool would turn that down. And only a fool would turn down Sleazy Ana's proposal. I look at the names in this tournament, I see Cosmo Cooper, I see Nemesis, I see Andre Holmes, and I'm not listing out anymore because everyone else does that already...but I still see them. I see them...and I'm gonna sleaze them. I'm gonna sleaze against every single one of them! Because I'm the best at what I do! I've got the charisma that makes it impossible to look away from me."
"See, I've spent nearly a decade preparing for a tournament on a beach just like this one. I spent years in my frozen family barn back in North Dakota practicing my squat thrusts, practicing my hip thrusts, and the occasional pull up. I practiced all that time back then so I'd be ready today. And I'm ready. You think just because I've only wrestled in the sun a handful of times that I'm not ready for this? Well, you're mistaken! Look at Nemesis, that poor boy just leaving the confinements of his mother's basement for the first time during the day."
A strong nod in support of the ghouls and goblins such as Nemesis.
"The bright source of Vitamin D known as the SUN will be blocked out by his paint...but I...I, Sleazy Ana, will wipe that filth off of him. These...sensual, consensual hip movements...this sleaze will cleanse Nemesis. But he's not all...take a gander at Andre Holmes. Granted, assuming you can listen to him speak for longer than a minute without falling asleep. I watched this man burn a book once and that was more exciting than anything he's done the two years I've known of him."
"Nothing like a little literature burning to get the blood pumping. But like I mentioned...I've got a plethora of charisma oozing from me. I've got charisma to spare and when my body rubs off on Andre's...for the first time in his life? He'll experience a woman's touch and he'll also experience what it's like to flirt with charisma. And maybe...just maybe...he'll have some actual success. Maybe he'll get to be like his role model. Ya know. Me."
Sleazy Ana gives the audience a thumbs up before moving on.
"And as for Heather Jones? I don't know you."
An abrupt pause.
And we continue.
"But there are two men I know. Cosmo Cooper and Dom DiBona, I know them very...very...VERY...well. I wrestled alongside Cosmo in AWE, against him and I've done the very same with Dom DiBona. His nickname back in AWE was 'Dom DiBoner' because DiBona is pretty close to it. But I digress, those were childish days, we've all moved on and matured since then. Well...you'd think that, but Dom...he's the least sleaziest man I've ever met in my entire life."
"He's too pure. Nobody like that is normal. Nobody like Dom DiBona doesn't have a body or two underneath the crawlspace. Now...I'm not saying that Dom has committed murder or anything, but...just throwing it out there. He smiles all the time...it's...it's repulsive. I bet...I bet he hasn't even done a singular hip thrust in his entire life...my god, I'm going to be sick just thinking about it."
Ana looks off camera as if she's about to hurl, but once again, the sleaze keeps her together.
"But unlike Andre Holmes, I can confirm that Dom DiBona has kissed a woman at least once. And he was so respectful about it...oh god, I'm gonna be sick again. Let me put aside the disgustingly clean image of Dom DiBona and let's focus on Cosmo Cooper and his work with charities, the dying, the living, the disabled, the abled, and everyone in between. This man is a saint...but I know underneath it all...underneath the white boy braids and cornrows...I see those dirty feet of Cosmo Cooper's."
"Everyone's got a bit of a freak in them somewhere. And Cosmo Cooper...he might just the freakiest of them all. That's why he has Sleazy Ana's respect. But look, it's all bants and games until you step on a broken bottle on the beach...then you're just spreading your blood all over the ring and that isn't even sleazy...but goddamn, I approve of it nonetheless. But despite all of this praise and admiration for Cosmo Cooper...I've beaten him before. And you know...if our bodies cross...it doesn't matter how many abs he has...how many dates he's working in a day…You think I care that someone like Cosmo Cooper wins all the time and he'll maybe win this too? OF course not."
She laughs. Over the top laugh actually. One that would rival a cartoon villain.
"Nobody beats the sleaze."
But the laughter dies and Ana rips off her sunglasses; staring into the camera intensely for the first time.
"EVERYONE LOSES TO THE SLEAZE!"
Heavy breathing. Silence. The camera then turns sideways and Ana doesn't say anything. Almost as if she's tweeting while filming her promo. Of course, we'll never know. And the sunglasses pop back on and Sleazy Ana goes right back to work.
"And Cosmo Cooper...will be no different. Nor Dom nor...well, you get it. And as for Gavin Grimes? That sick, sadistic, twisted, son of a bitch I'm going to fucking kil...no, wait, I'm thinking of someone else. Gavin's alright. I've been in a couple of companies with him. Nice enough."
A shrug.
"BUT NOT SLEAZY LIKE SLEAZY ANA!"
A more aggressive shrug.
"Gavin has done so much in such a short life...but he's never been like me. He's never been the Queen of Sleaze like Sleazy Ana. Hell, he hasn't even been the King of Sleaze like Sleazy Ana. He tries...he tries, but I SEE THE WEAKNESS HOLDING HIM BACK! Marriage...actual marriage, not me calling someone a wife marriage...but legal...constitutional marriage...governed by the STATE! Me? You can't lock me down like that. You can't bound me to any ball and chain. Because I'll thrust my way out of each and every single obstacle holding me back...and I'm doing the same here at Storm's Surgical Summer One Night Only Tournament Featuring Multiple Wrestlers."
"It pains me to know that one of my wives and one of my stable members and someone I sleaze on all the time couldn't make it to the tournament...a moment of silence for Lisa Seldon please."
"She'd want me to carry on. She'd want me to sleaze up everyone here. From the wrestlers to the crew members to the fans...everyone. And...I'm sorry, I'm trying not to get choked up...I'm going to do it...for her. If Lisa, god rest her soul, wants me to bump and grind on everyone here on my way to victory...I will do it. So help me god I will make out with Mark Storm if I have to for her...LISA...I WILL WIN THIS FOR YOU!"
Ana holds herself together the best she can; refusing to let the world see her cry. But allowing the world to see that Lisa Seldon is practically right behind Ana as the Sleazemaster walks by a few more beach towels. Lisa tries to get Ana's attention, but gives up because, admittedly, it's too much work. But that doesn't stop Ana from holding back the waterworks.
"Lisa did something many can't...she pulled out. She pulled out for a greater cause. And there's someone I'm leaving out in all of this...someone very special...and that's you, Special Agent Joe Stanton. That's...that's you. Before she parted from our realm, rambling on about lions and Craig Anderson...Lisa told me...told me to make you cry...and Joe? Joey? Joester? I'm gonna do just that. I'm gonna make you cry the only way I know how, Joe. With...sleaze. We're gonna bump, we're gonna grind, and you bet...it's gonna get real fucking awkward...and I love it, Joe Stanton."
She pauses, slightly lowering her sunglasses.
"If...that is your real name."
And picks her step back up along with her sunglasses.
"I'll be honest with you, Joe...I'm probably going to have a couple brews before our match and I can't guarantee what I'll do out there...but I will say...someone will be crying and someone will be winning...and if we're really lucky? Both at the same time. I'm going to come out to the ring wearing a Storm's Surgical Summer Sleazy Ana exclusive t-shirt only sold this weekend at my gimmick table...I'll be covered in beer...and then I'm going to cover you for the one...for TWO...and baby, we're hitting that three."
"And then once the bell rings, I'll pin you for real. Sure, I might only know a bit more about you than I do about Heather Jones, but our experience...together...it'll be like we've known each other for lifetimes. Also, bring Izzy. And bring an extra pair of sunglasses. Bring everything you've got, Joe, because I will. If you don't want any part of this...too bad. You're here, I'm here, Mark's going to be watching...we're doing this. I'm not asking for permission! And no one is going to stop me!"
"The world will see why Sleazy Ana is the best at what she does...and that she's also pretty good at wrestling too. I will win this tournament...I'll win whatever Mark has planned at the end of this tournament. I don't even care if it's a hot dog from the concession stand...I'm winning it. It's doesn't matter if you're from Nightmareville, USA...it doesn't matter if you're boring or childish or Heather Jones or working seven different shows tonight like Cosmo...I've said it once and I'll say it again."
Given most of this promo so far, the last few bits of Sleazy Ana's message seems eerily competent. She's serious about winning.
"Nobody."
A shake of the head.
"And I do mean nobody."
Another shake. A finger wag too.
"Beats...the...sleaze."
A confident nod.
"I'm sorry it had to be you in the first round, Joe...just kidding, no I'm not. I've been waiting to make you FEEL THE SLEAZE since this was announced...and the same goes for everyone else. And for everyone not in this tournament? My merch table will be set up by the medieval castle themed bounce house."
She clicks her tongue and points a finger gun at the camera; selling out, baby.
"I think that's everything important…just...just get ready. Get ready for Sleazy Ana. I'm taking what I want in this tournament...no one can stop me."
Again, oddly seriously; speaking in an almost ominous tone as if there's some kind of implication about what's going to happen in this tournament.
"Take it sleazy."
Darkness.
Brooding darkness.
Mysterious darkness.
Then the camera turns on to observe the beautiful day on Miami Beach. Kids are playing in the background, the sounds of the ocean waves hitting the sand, and every self-conscious man still wearing their t-shirt as they enter the water can be heard...but that's not what we're focused on. Not today. The shot of the beach lasts only for a moment before turning around and it's now evident we're looking through the camera on a phone as the face of Sleazy Ana looks into the lens.
"Is this thing on?"
Of course it is. She takes a second to adjust the framing of the phone before finally settling down and greeting the audience with a slight smile. It's almost unusual of a sight for anyone familiar with Ana, but there's just something about beaches and wrestling that makes everything a little...unique. She's got some cheap sunglasses on and keeps her eyes hidden as she begins to speak.
"Great. Hello, I'm famous professional wrestler and all around great athlete Sleazy Ana, but I don't need an introduction because you already know who I am. You've seen me all around the world. I'm a walking legend. Enter any bar in Japan, they know me. Any pub in England, they know me. Any McDonald's here in the United States of America...and they know me. I am nothing short of greatness personified. When you see a picture of me, you immediately know the name…"
She pauses in silence; perhaps waiting for the ocean breeze to whisper the name "Sleazy Ana". Instead, we get:
"Hey, don't I know you?"
The voice of some unfortunate soul can be heard as the camera manages to pick up the both of them in frame. Sleazy Ana seems immensely proud to have had her call answered.
"Oh, hell yeah you do."
"Yeah...yeah, you're Anastasia Hayden, right?"
And it all pauses. Ana coughs awkwardly and shakes her head, trying to keep up her smile.
"What? No, I'm Sleazy Ana, big wrestling star. Everyone knows me."
"What...no, wait...I thought it was Anastasia Hayden."
Now she's starting to get a bit flustered.
"No. It's Slea-"
"Yeah, you ar-"
Before the man can even finish the last letter of his word, Sleazy Ana palms his face and pushes him out of the way before carrying on. She takes a moment to recollect and picks up her smile once more.
"As I was saying...when you see the picture? You already know the name...Sleazy Ana. And that's why I'm here. I mean, not specifically here on this beach, but why I'm here partaking in Mark Storm's Surgical Summer Tournament. I remember when Mark came up to me and asked if Sleazy Ana wanted to take part in the tournament...I told him no. But then I remembered why I started to wrestle in the first place…"
"You see, there's only three things I love in life. Taking wives, making sleaze, and cashing checks...and wrestling. So there's four things. But when Mark told me how much I was going to get paid to show up...I was offended. But it was the other two of the four...he promised me the beaches, the men and women waiting for me to make them my wife. How could I say no? Sure, I'm only getting paid twenty-five bucks to be here and sure I spent over 200 bucks to fly to Miami and that's not counting my hotel expenses or food, folks I am not making a profit wrestling here...but the prospect of getting to sleaze on these beaches?"
She scoffs at the idea of doing anything else.
"Only a fool would turn that down. And only a fool would turn down Sleazy Ana's proposal. I look at the names in this tournament, I see Cosmo Cooper, I see Nemesis, I see Andre Holmes, and I'm not listing out anymore because everyone else does that already...but I still see them. I see them...and I'm gonna sleaze them. I'm gonna sleaze against every single one of them! Because I'm the best at what I do! I've got the charisma that makes it impossible to look away from me."
"See, I've spent nearly a decade preparing for a tournament on a beach just like this one. I spent years in my frozen family barn back in North Dakota practicing my squat thrusts, practicing my hip thrusts, and the occasional pull up. I practiced all that time back then so I'd be ready today. And I'm ready. You think just because I've only wrestled in the sun a handful of times that I'm not ready for this? Well, you're mistaken! Look at Nemesis, that poor boy just leaving the confinements of his mother's basement for the first time during the day."
A strong nod in support of the ghouls and goblins such as Nemesis.
"The bright source of Vitamin D known as the SUN will be blocked out by his paint...but I...I, Sleazy Ana, will wipe that filth off of him. These...sensual, consensual hip movements...this sleaze will cleanse Nemesis. But he's not all...take a gander at Andre Holmes. Granted, assuming you can listen to him speak for longer than a minute without falling asleep. I watched this man burn a book once and that was more exciting than anything he's done the two years I've known of him."
"Nothing like a little literature burning to get the blood pumping. But like I mentioned...I've got a plethora of charisma oozing from me. I've got charisma to spare and when my body rubs off on Andre's...for the first time in his life? He'll experience a woman's touch and he'll also experience what it's like to flirt with charisma. And maybe...just maybe...he'll have some actual success. Maybe he'll get to be like his role model. Ya know. Me."
Sleazy Ana gives the audience a thumbs up before moving on.
"And as for Heather Jones? I don't know you."
An abrupt pause.
And we continue.
"But there are two men I know. Cosmo Cooper and Dom DiBona, I know them very...very...VERY...well. I wrestled alongside Cosmo in AWE, against him and I've done the very same with Dom DiBona. His nickname back in AWE was 'Dom DiBoner' because DiBona is pretty close to it. But I digress, those were childish days, we've all moved on and matured since then. Well...you'd think that, but Dom...he's the least sleaziest man I've ever met in my entire life."
"He's too pure. Nobody like that is normal. Nobody like Dom DiBona doesn't have a body or two underneath the crawlspace. Now...I'm not saying that Dom has committed murder or anything, but...just throwing it out there. He smiles all the time...it's...it's repulsive. I bet...I bet he hasn't even done a singular hip thrust in his entire life...my god, I'm going to be sick just thinking about it."
Ana looks off camera as if she's about to hurl, but once again, the sleaze keeps her together.
"But unlike Andre Holmes, I can confirm that Dom DiBona has kissed a woman at least once. And he was so respectful about it...oh god, I'm gonna be sick again. Let me put aside the disgustingly clean image of Dom DiBona and let's focus on Cosmo Cooper and his work with charities, the dying, the living, the disabled, the abled, and everyone in between. This man is a saint...but I know underneath it all...underneath the white boy braids and cornrows...I see those dirty feet of Cosmo Cooper's."
"Everyone's got a bit of a freak in them somewhere. And Cosmo Cooper...he might just the freakiest of them all. That's why he has Sleazy Ana's respect. But look, it's all bants and games until you step on a broken bottle on the beach...then you're just spreading your blood all over the ring and that isn't even sleazy...but goddamn, I approve of it nonetheless. But despite all of this praise and admiration for Cosmo Cooper...I've beaten him before. And you know...if our bodies cross...it doesn't matter how many abs he has...how many dates he's working in a day…You think I care that someone like Cosmo Cooper wins all the time and he'll maybe win this too? OF course not."
She laughs. Over the top laugh actually. One that would rival a cartoon villain.
"Nobody beats the sleaze."
But the laughter dies and Ana rips off her sunglasses; staring into the camera intensely for the first time.
"EVERYONE LOSES TO THE SLEAZE!"
Heavy breathing. Silence. The camera then turns sideways and Ana doesn't say anything. Almost as if she's tweeting while filming her promo. Of course, we'll never know. And the sunglasses pop back on and Sleazy Ana goes right back to work.
"And Cosmo Cooper...will be no different. Nor Dom nor...well, you get it. And as for Gavin Grimes? That sick, sadistic, twisted, son of a bitch I'm going to fucking kil...no, wait, I'm thinking of someone else. Gavin's alright. I've been in a couple of companies with him. Nice enough."
A shrug.
"BUT NOT SLEAZY LIKE SLEAZY ANA!"
A more aggressive shrug.
"Gavin has done so much in such a short life...but he's never been like me. He's never been the Queen of Sleaze like Sleazy Ana. Hell, he hasn't even been the King of Sleaze like Sleazy Ana. He tries...he tries, but I SEE THE WEAKNESS HOLDING HIM BACK! Marriage...actual marriage, not me calling someone a wife marriage...but legal...constitutional marriage...governed by the STATE! Me? You can't lock me down like that. You can't bound me to any ball and chain. Because I'll thrust my way out of each and every single obstacle holding me back...and I'm doing the same here at Storm's Surgical Summer One Night Only Tournament Featuring Multiple Wrestlers."
"It pains me to know that one of my wives and one of my stable members and someone I sleaze on all the time couldn't make it to the tournament...a moment of silence for Lisa Seldon please."
"She'd want me to carry on. She'd want me to sleaze up everyone here. From the wrestlers to the crew members to the fans...everyone. And...I'm sorry, I'm trying not to get choked up...I'm going to do it...for her. If Lisa, god rest her soul, wants me to bump and grind on everyone here on my way to victory...I will do it. So help me god I will make out with Mark Storm if I have to for her...LISA...I WILL WIN THIS FOR YOU!"
Ana holds herself together the best she can; refusing to let the world see her cry. But allowing the world to see that Lisa Seldon is practically right behind Ana as the Sleazemaster walks by a few more beach towels. Lisa tries to get Ana's attention, but gives up because, admittedly, it's too much work. But that doesn't stop Ana from holding back the waterworks.
"Lisa did something many can't...she pulled out. She pulled out for a greater cause. And there's someone I'm leaving out in all of this...someone very special...and that's you, Special Agent Joe Stanton. That's...that's you. Before she parted from our realm, rambling on about lions and Craig Anderson...Lisa told me...told me to make you cry...and Joe? Joey? Joester? I'm gonna do just that. I'm gonna make you cry the only way I know how, Joe. With...sleaze. We're gonna bump, we're gonna grind, and you bet...it's gonna get real fucking awkward...and I love it, Joe Stanton."
She pauses, slightly lowering her sunglasses.
"If...that is your real name."
And picks her step back up along with her sunglasses.
"I'll be honest with you, Joe...I'm probably going to have a couple brews before our match and I can't guarantee what I'll do out there...but I will say...someone will be crying and someone will be winning...and if we're really lucky? Both at the same time. I'm going to come out to the ring wearing a Storm's Surgical Summer Sleazy Ana exclusive t-shirt only sold this weekend at my gimmick table...I'll be covered in beer...and then I'm going to cover you for the one...for TWO...and baby, we're hitting that three."
"And then once the bell rings, I'll pin you for real. Sure, I might only know a bit more about you than I do about Heather Jones, but our experience...together...it'll be like we've known each other for lifetimes. Also, bring Izzy. And bring an extra pair of sunglasses. Bring everything you've got, Joe, because I will. If you don't want any part of this...too bad. You're here, I'm here, Mark's going to be watching...we're doing this. I'm not asking for permission! And no one is going to stop me!"
"The world will see why Sleazy Ana is the best at what she does...and that she's also pretty good at wrestling too. I will win this tournament...I'll win whatever Mark has planned at the end of this tournament. I don't even care if it's a hot dog from the concession stand...I'm winning it. It's doesn't matter if you're from Nightmareville, USA...it doesn't matter if you're boring or childish or Heather Jones or working seven different shows tonight like Cosmo...I've said it once and I'll say it again."
Given most of this promo so far, the last few bits of Sleazy Ana's message seems eerily competent. She's serious about winning.
"Nobody."
A shake of the head.
"And I do mean nobody."
Another shake. A finger wag too.
"Beats...the...sleaze."
A confident nod.
"I'm sorry it had to be you in the first round, Joe...just kidding, no I'm not. I've been waiting to make you FEEL THE SLEAZE since this was announced...and the same goes for everyone else. And for everyone not in this tournament? My merch table will be set up by the medieval castle themed bounce house."
She clicks her tongue and points a finger gun at the camera; selling out, baby.
"I think that's everything important…just...just get ready. Get ready for Sleazy Ana. I'm taking what I want in this tournament...no one can stop me."
Again, oddly seriously; speaking in an almost ominous tone as if there's some kind of implication about what's going to happen in this tournament.
"Take it sleazy."
